Charlie Sheen Roast With Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, Patrice Oneal, Jeffrey Ross and more!

Everyone loves a Roast, and everyone, especially in the comedy community, was anxiously awaiting the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen! The jokes could basically write themselves. There was so much to use for inspiration. I wrote for the famed Friars Roasts for many years, but I have to say the level of humor then was nowhere near as cruel as it is today! There’s nothing left to say that is considered shocking anymore! It’s all been done, so now people say the most horrible things they can think of, and it passes for humor because no one has the balls to tell them it isn’t funny!

I won’t say which jokes I think that applies to! I’ll leave that up to you!

This Roast was produced by my old friend Jeffrey Ross who I know for a long time. Jeffrey’s become known as the Roastmaster General, which is very similar to being the Postmaster General. The Postmaster General is in charge of delivering the mail, and the Roastmaster General is in charge of delivering the funny! I wonder how much Jeffrey had to do with who the Roasters were.

Comedy Central V.P. JoAnn Grigioni, Jeffrey Gurian, and Jeffrey Ross at the after-party for the Donald Trump Roast!

He himself commented, ” Look at this dais. This lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I’D get replaced by Ashton Kutcher!”

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Jeffrey Ross, somewhere cool back in 2004!

Ross about Sheen – Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up! ( Brilliant! )

He went on to say, ” Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez would have been here tonight, but they had a family obligation”!

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Jeffrey Ross at the Friars Club book party for Gurian’s book, ” Filthy, Funny, and Totally Offensive!”

Those are the kind of jokes I love. Clever, and funny but not cruel!

And then he asked Charlie about his kids, ” Don’t you wanna live to see their first 12 steps???” ( Hilarious! )

Greg Giraldo was missed, but was mentioned when Ross said about Anthony Jeselnik, ” Some say you’re the next Greg Giraldo. Let’s hope so!”

Also missed were Lisa Lampanelli who had another committment, and Gilbert Gottfried, who was committed!

Seth McFarlane is a great Roastmaster. He’s really found a niche for himself cause it’s a hard thing to do. I don’t know how much he writes himself, but his lines are sharp and he delivers them like he wrote them!

Seth McFarlane on TV when he hosted the Roast of Donald Trump!

I like his simple lines like ” Anthony Jeselnik’s act combines the excitement of standing there with the thrill of saying words!” That’s hysterical!

He followed it up by saying, ” You know him best by me saying his name right now! “

Anthony Jeselnik chillin’ at The Comic Strip after his set!

Seth on Mike Tyson – He’s beaten every opponent he’s gone up against so far, except the letter “S”!

Amy Schumer showed how she got on the dais with her clever lines:

Amy to Tyson – Mike Tython. Am I saying that right? You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face! Men don’t know whether to be scared of it, or finish on it! ( To his credit Tyson laughed at everything that was said about him! )

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Amy Schumer at Gotham Comedy Club!

Amy to Sheen – You are really so famous. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls that were living with you, … your daughters! ( Very edgy! I think family members used to be considered out of bounds when we wrote the Friars Roasts!) I remember one joke I wrote that got side-lined about an honoree who was so neat he let other guys f**k his wife so he wouldn’t have to get his c**k all messy!

Jeffrey Gurian with a very dressy Amy Schumer, including what look like pearls, at Gotham Comedy Club!

Amy mentioned Patrice Oneal’s bout with Diabetes and said this was also a farewell party for Patrice’s foot, and told a joke where his grandmother was the brunt of the joke. It almost looked like Patrice winced at that one, which is hard to do!

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with his pal Patrice Oneal when Patrice was Jeffrey’s guest speaker at an event to create comedy workshops for inner city kids!

I was his co-host for a while on his Sirius Radio show The Black Phillip Show along with Dante Nero,who labeled me a “Level 12 Pimp”, a title I held proudly! (LOL) Patrice said he chose me not only because we got a long so well, and made for interesting partners, but because I was the only white man he ever met who knew all the words to AMG’s “Bitch Betta Have My Money!”

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Patrice Oneal at the Friars Club book party for Jeffrey’s book “FIlthy, Funny,and Totally Offensive.”

Check out some clips from the show here where Patrice is talking about me, and the beautiful girl I had with me, Jacqueline Beaulieu:

So again, there’s not many things that Patrice wouldn’t say, and I don’t know if I could even think of one, but I really think he winced at the grandmother joke!

But Amy took some unfair heat when referencing Ryan Dunn from Jackass who was killed in an auto accident, and was friends with Steve-O who was on the dais. She said, ” Sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. You were thinking “it could have been me”, and we were all thinking, ” Why wasn’t it you?” Which doesn’t seem so harsh in light of the other things that were said, and remembering that it IS a Roast!

Seth McFarlane made jokes about Amy Winehouse, when writing Charlie Sheen’s make believe obituary, and no one said anything about that?

When Steve-O jumped face first into Mike Tyson’s fist and broke his nose, Seth said, ” That’s what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted!” No one’s that quick, so I guess that part was planned!

Anthony Jeselnik has such an unusual delivery. I can’t exactly explain what it is, but it’s great. It gives him the ability to say things you would never expect him to say. They said he’s dating Amy Schumer. I can see that happening! I think it works comedically as well as socially!

Anthony to Sheen – “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because G-d hates Michael J. Fox!”

Patrice Oneal is like a philosopher. He does best when he has time to develop his premises of which he has many! He did great on the Roast when he told Seth McFarlane that he needs a partner to bring down his ego, like Hanna-Barbera had, like when Hanna thought he was bigger than Yogi and Barbera had to slap the shit out of him!

He also advised Seth to just come out and admit that he’s gay! He said ” No straight guy writes that many show tunes!”

You have to have a thick skin to be a Roaster or a Roastee! Everyone present gets what’s coming to them, … whether they deserve it or not!!!

Check out the previous post on Jeffrey Ross producing the Roast at: