Everyone loves a Roast, and everyone, especially in the comedy community, was anxiously awaiting the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen! The jokes could basically write themselves. There was so much to use for inspiration. I wrote for the famed Friars Roasts for many years, but I have to say the level of humor then was nowhere near as cruel as it is today! There’s nothing left to say that is considered shocking anymore! It’s all been done, so now people say the most horrible things they can think of, and it passes for humor because no one has the balls to tell them it isn’t funny!
I won’t say which jokes I think that applies to! I’ll leave that up to you!
This Roast was produced by my old friend Jeffrey Ross who I know for a long time. Jeffrey’s become known as the Roastmaster General, which is very similar to being the Postmaster General. The Postmaster General is in charge of delivering the mail, and the Roastmaster General is in charge of delivering the funny! I wonder how much Jeffrey had to do with who the Roasters were.
Comedy Central V.P. JoAnn Grigioni, Jeffrey Gurian, and Jeffrey Ross at the after-party for the Donald Trump Roast!
He himself commented, ” Look at this dais. This lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I’D get replaced by Ashton Kutcher!”
Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Jeffrey Ross, somewhere cool back in 2004!
Ross about Sheen – Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up! ( Brilliant! )
He went on to say, ” Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez would have been here tonight, but they had a family obligation”!
Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Jeffrey Ross at the Friars Club book party for Gurian’s book, ” Filthy, Funny, and Totally Offensive!”
Those are the kind of jokes I love. Clever, and funny but not cruel!
And then he asked Charlie about his kids, ” Don’t you wanna live to see their first 12 steps???” ( Hilarious! )
Greg Giraldo was missed, but was mentioned when Ross said about Anthony Jeselnik, ” Some say you’re the next Greg Giraldo. Let’s hope so!”
Also missed were Lisa Lampanelli who had another committment, and Gilbert Gottfried, who was committed!
Seth McFarlane is a great Roastmaster. He’s really found a niche for himself cause it’s a hard thing to do. I don’t know how much he writes himself, but his lines are sharp and he delivers them like he wrote them!
Seth McFarlane on TV when he hosted the Roast of Donald Trump!
I like his simple lines like ” Anthony Jeselnik’s act combines the excitement of standing there with the thrill of saying words!” That’s hysterical!
He followed it up by saying, ” You know him best by me saying his name right now! “
Anthony Jeselnik chillin’ at The Comic Strip after his set!
Seth on Mike Tyson – He’s beaten every opponent he’s gone up against so far, except the letter “S”!
Amy Schumer showed how she got on the dais with her clever lines:
Amy to Tyson – Mike Tython. Am I saying that right? You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face! Men don’t know whether to be scared of it, or finish on it! ( To his credit Tyson laughed at everything that was said about him! )
Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Amy Schumer at Gotham Comedy Club!
Amy to Sheen – You are really so famous. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls that were living with you, … your daughters! ( Very edgy! I think family members used to be considered out of bounds when we wrote the Friars Roasts!) I remember one joke I wrote that got side-lined about an honoree who was so neat he let other guys f**k his wife so he wouldn’t have to get his c**k all messy!
Jeffrey Gurian with a very dressy Amy Schumer, including what look like pearls, at Gotham Comedy Club!
Amy mentioned Patrice Oneal’s bout with Diabetes and said this was also a farewell party for Patrice’s foot, and told a joke where his grandmother was the brunt of the joke. It almost looked like Patrice winced at that one, which is hard to do!
Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with his pal Patrice Oneal when Patrice was Jeffrey’s guest speaker at an event to create comedy workshops for inner city kids!
I was his co-host for a while on his Sirius Radio show The Black Phillip Show along with Dante Nero,who labeled me a “Level 12 Pimp”, a title I held proudly! (LOL) Patrice said he chose me not only because we got a long so well, and made for interesting partners, but because I was the only white man he ever met who knew all the words to AMG’s “Bitch Betta Have My Money!”
Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Patrice Oneal at the Friars Club book party for Jeffrey’s book “FIlthy, Funny,and Totally Offensive.”
Check out some clips from the show here where Patrice is talking about me, and the beautiful girl I had with me, Jacqueline Beaulieu:
So again, there’s not many things that Patrice wouldn’t say, and I don’t know if I could even think of one, but I really think he winced at the grandmother joke!
But Amy took some unfair heat when referencing Ryan Dunn from Jackass who was killed in an auto accident, and was friends with Steve-O who was on the dais. She said, ” Sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. You were thinking “it could have been me”, and we were all thinking, ” Why wasn’t it you?” Which doesn’t seem so harsh in light of the other things that were said, and remembering that it IS a Roast!
Seth McFarlane made jokes about Amy Winehouse, when writing Charlie Sheen’s make believe obituary, and no one said anything about that?
When Steve-O jumped face first into Mike Tyson’s fist and broke his nose, Seth said, ” That’s what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted!” No one’s that quick, so I guess that part was planned!
Anthony Jeselnik has such an unusual delivery. I can’t exactly explain what it is, but it’s great. It gives him the ability to say things you would never expect him to say. They said he’s dating Amy Schumer. I can see that happening! I think it works comedically as well as socially!
Anthony to Sheen – “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because G-d hates Michael J. Fox!”
Patrice Oneal is like a philosopher. He does best when he has time to develop his premises of which he has many! He did great on the Roast when he told Seth McFarlane that he needs a partner to bring down his ego, like Hanna-Barbera had, like when Hanna thought he was bigger than Yogi and Barbera had to slap the shit out of him!
He also advised Seth to just come out and admit that he’s gay! He said ” No straight guy writes that many show tunes!”
You have to have a thick skin to be a Roaster or a Roastee! Everyone present gets what’s coming to them, … whether they deserve it or not!!!
This is a brief compilation of my recent trip to L.A. featuring my interviews with Billy Crystal, the first comic to ever set foot on stage at The Comic Strip on June 1, 1976, and Russell Peters, one of the only comics to be able to fill stadiums, as he did in Vancouver when 18,000 people came out two nights in a row to see this dude!
Jeffrey Gurian with Billy Crystal in Billy's Beverly Hills office, Face Productions!
As I told Kal Penn when I interviewed him for Comedy Matters, ” there was a time, and not too long ago, when no one knew that Indian people could be funny!” And Kal cracked up because he knew it was true. Kal stars in the Harold and Kumar films and proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that Indian people can be funny. Russell Peters takes it ten steps further!
Jeffrey Gurian with Kal Penn for the release of a new harold and Kumar film!
Born in Canada, and speaking perfect English with no accent at all, Russell says he identifies more with being Canadian than with being an Indian man. He’s Indian in his DNA, and his skin color, so when he looks in the mirror he’s aware that he’s Indian, but that’s about it.
He sees himself as he is, and sees the humor in seeing everyone for what they are. What I love about him, besides just about everything he does, is that he has almost singlehandedly destroyed a stereotype, which is very hard to do. He has broken the stereotype of the humorless Indian man. To be able to see yourself as you believe others see you, and to make it funny is pure genius.
Russell Peters is not only “hip”, he’s too hip for the room! And that’s at a time when everyone is striving to be “hip.” The legendary Rodney Dangerfield who was the first big star I ever wrote for once told me, ” Jeff, you know who’s hip?” I’m like, ” No Rodney, who’s hip?” He’s like, ” Two guys in the Village.” And we all fell down laughing cause he was right. Everybody is so caught up in being “hip” when almost no one is, … except for these two elusive guys in The Village!
Jeffrey Gurian, jus' chillin' with Russell Peters at Russell's home in L.A.
Russell is a rare talent and I call him “The Messiah of Comedy.” All you have to do is attend one of his shows, to see the multi-cultural background of his audience. There are people there in turbans and traditional Indian dress and they’re laughing their asses off! I teach at NYU where the majority of students seem to be Indian females and almost all of them bust out laughing at just the mention of Russell Peters’ name. The man is a phenomenon!
He brings all ethnicities together and in a clever way makes fun of everyone, but he comes from such a good place that no one could ever be offended. He has the ability to see things clearly that other people miss. True artists are like that. And people love when you can imitate an accent. I don’t think I can think of one accent that Russell can’t do. But when he does the Indian accent, people are crying from laughing so hard. Not only does he do the accent but the facial expressions, the head movements and the hand and finger movements. He’s a genius at physical comedy. I am truly amazed at Russell Peters.
Jeffrey Gurian and Russell Peters checkout out the munitions artwork that adorns Russell's walls!
I wish I could do a Chinese accent. I talk about it in my act but it would be better if I could do it!
The only accent I can do is like a Greek accent or some kind of Eastern European accent, like when two guys meet in the street and one guy says, ” Hello my friend, how are you today?” And the other guy answers, ” Five thank you, how are you?”. First guy – ” Not too good, I feel a little six!” Second Guy – “Really, you don’t look six at all. You look just five to me!” And they go on through this conversation using numbers instead of the right words, until the end when the first guy says, ” I have to go now. Nice threeing you again!” and the second guy says, ” Nice threeing you two!” That’s the extent of my accent work, and it absolutely “kills”, … around my apartment!
I’ve never actually done it on stage, because I haven’t hated myself enough yet to try it out, ( just in case it doesn’t work!), … but maybe someday???
So anyway, I’m in LA and I call Russell ’cause his brother Clayton, who is a great guy and also his manager, left me a message that if I come to LA, Russell would make time to see me, and hang out. I had only a few priorities on my trip. The first was to interview Billy Crystal, the second was to hang out and interview Russell, and third was to perform in the clubs in LA cause I had never set foot on a stage in Los Angeles, and that was a hurdle I was ready to take on.
I wound up performing on Kevin Nealon’s show at Jamie Masada’s Laugh Factory. I happen to know Kevin back from his SNL days cause I was friendly with him, and Dana Carvey, and Jon Lovitz, and especially Phil Hartman. Listen to this weird synchronicity! When I packed to go to LA, I grabbed a small leather case that I used to carry my comedy material in, without looking at what was inside. When I got to LA and opened it up, I saw that it was material I had written for Kevin Nealon for the Friars Roast of Chevy Chase back in 1990. This was at least 3 days before I knew I’d be performing on Kevin’s show! Coincidence? I think not! (LOL)
Jeffrey Gurian with Kevin Nealon at Jamie Masada's Laugh Factory!
So I get the call that I’m on Kevin’s show and that after my set we’ll do an onstage interview. I’m like, ” Cool.” I hadn’t seen Kevin in a long time and I figured he’d be surprised to see my name on his show roster. I was told I’d be on third at 8:40. I got to the club a little after 8, while Kevin was on stage warming up the crowd, … not with jokes, with blankets and hugs! He was literally warming up the crowd because they felt chilly from the air conditioning! ( I’m just being silly!)
So he’s warming up the audience when he suddenly says, ” We have a great show for you tonight. Let’s see who’s on the list, and he starts reading names and when he comes to mine he says, ” Jeffrey Gurian? is Jeffrey Gurian here?”
And I was in the back of the room, so I answered that I was there. He was like, ” Jeffrey Gurian is here. He’s funny! Let’s put him on first. Give a warm welcome to Jeffrey Gurian.” And the crowd started applauding, and I couldn’t say anything, but in the back of my mind I was thinking, ” I thought Kevin liked me. Why is he putting me on first?” Turns out he did me the biggest favor in the world because I had no time to get nervous, I went right up and if I have to say so myself, I killed!
Kevin Nealon on stage at The Laugh Factory hosting his weekly show!
Fortunately I was not alone in that assessment! Kevin said so, and so did owner Jamie Masada who was there and saw the set. Jamie said I could perform there anytime I was in town. Not only that, he told me to call the club the next day and tell the booker that Jamie said to put me on Tom Arnold’s show the next night.
I was so psyched, because Tom is a friend and I had e-mailed him a few days before telling him I was going to be in LA to see if he had time to hang out. He wrote me back saying he was doing a lot of filming including a thing on “Sons of Anarchy” and probably wouldn’t have time for us to get together.
Jeffrey Gurian with Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, AFTER Jeffrey's set in front of the Laugh Factory logo!
So when Jamie told me I’d be on Tom’s show I was thrilled, cause I knew he’d be surprised to see me there, and I’d kill the proverbial two birds with one stone. Who by the way, was ever killing birds with a stone? Where did that expression start? And not only one bird but two birds with the same stone? They must have been very slow moving birds. Who does that anyway? Killing birds with a stone. Very bizarre! So I’m psyched to do Tom’s show, and impress him with my comedic talent (LOL), and at the last minute Tom has to cancel because he’s stuck on the set of ” Sons of Anarchy.” It just goes to show that you can not micro-manipulate The Universe. Things only happen when they’re supposed to.
Kevin by the way sent me this really nice e-mail in response to my thank you e-mail to him, saying : “Great seeing you again, too. You always crack me up. Hope to see you again down the road.” How nice is that that Kevin Nealon says I always crack him up?
Jamie happens to be a very kind man. I remember being out in LA one Christmas and Jamie does this thing where he feeds people all Christmas day from the club. Non-stop! Homeless people, and comics both, … and sometimes they’re the same thing! (LOL) The way most comics dress, they ALL look homeless! (LOL)
So I didn’t get to perform for Tom Arnold, but but I DID get the Friday night show at The Improv thanks to booker Emilie Laford, who put me on the 10 P.M. show with Ralph Figueroa as the host. It was also a very successful show and Ralph sent me a really nice e-mail telling me that I did an “awesome” set and that he hoped to work with me again! Thanks Ralph, the feeling is mutual!
Jeffrey Gurian with show host/comic Ralph Figueroa at The Improv in Hollywood!
Plus, I got to go on stage right before my good friend Helen Hong, who I know from New York and who can definitely do the Chinese accent! Maybe if I ask nicely she’ll teach me! Helen is always so funny! Prease Heren, would you teach me???
Jeffrey Gurian with Helen Hong at The Improv in L.A.!
Anyway, back to Russell Peters! ( I feel like I’m all over the place with this post! )
Russell invited me to his house and I expected something special but it was even better. I got to meet his wife Monica, who he married in August of 2010, and his new little daughter Crystianna, who was so cute I tried to take her with me when I left, but he caught me and made me give her back! He was like, ” What’s that lump under your jacket?” And I was like, ” OK, you caught me. I’m sorry. Here. You can have your baby back!” She was really that cute!
Jeffrey Gurian reclining in Russell Peters' screening room with wall to wall TV!
Russell has a screening room, with reclining chairs where you can just lay back and chill, and watch this huge screen TV that covers the entire wall.
Then there’s the entertainment room with the pinball games.
But my favorite toy of his was his new Rolls Royce, which I’m pretty sure he called a Phantom Drophead Coupe, or Dropdead Coupe, or something like that. ( There’s supposed to be an accent mark over the last “e” in Coupe, but my computer only speaks English so I don’t have an “accent egout” which is what I think they called it in French class when I wasn’t paying attention! LOL)
They only started making this model in 2007, and Russell was too humble to tell me it’s the most expensive Rolls Royce they make. It’s got like a stainless steel hood, what Russell referred to as “suicide doors” that open backwards towards the back of the car, and which you can open and close remotely, and believe it or not the exterior is available in more than 44,000 color combinations. I didn’t even know there WERE more than 44,000 color combinations. My crayon box has about 108 colors and I thought that about maxed it out.
Jeffrey Gurian and Russell Peters in his new Drophead Dropdead Rolls, with the stainless steel hood, just in case you want to cook lunch on the top of your car!
So Russell and I were chillin’ in the Rolls and I felt I had to remind him that you were supposed to get these things like a gorgeous home and Rolls Royce BEFORE you’re married not after! We had a good laugh about that! And I think that was when he discovered I had his baby! (LOL)
Who wouldn't be smiling driving a car like this???
And before I left his house, with his “man-servant”, or assistant who he referred to as “Homeless Matt”, I happened to tell him that I was going to interview Billy Crystal the next day. That’s when he told me that he and Billy were doing a movie together and that I should send Billy his best, cause Billy was his boy!
Billy was as nice as could be. We met at his offices in Beverly HIlls, thanks to Bob Wachs, the co-founder of The Comic Strip in NYC, and Billy’s lawyer in the early days, and Billy graciously gave me about an hour of his time. We reminisced about how we first met through Jack Rollins who is currently 96 years old, G-d Bless him,( I’m becoming my own grandmother! ) and how Jack had wanted Billy to play me in a proposed sit-com about a dentist who wanted to be in show business. He even remembered calling me “the funny dentist” and how Alan King referred to me the same way.
Billy Crystal pointing to his teeth, referencing the rumour that Jeffrey Gurian used to be a dentist!
And he shared with me a little gem that Jack Rollins had told him after seeing his early stand-up. He said, ” You did great, and your act was fine, but ” you didn’t leave a tip!” You didn’t leave the audience with anything to remember you by! ” And that message stuck with Billy all these years and changed the way he performed on stage from that day forth! He always remembered to share a little bit extra of himself with his audience, and always left them a tip!
I did remember to send Billy Russell’s regards, and Billy echoed what Chris Rock said about Russell, who ranked #9 on Forbes list of highest earning comedians, ” Russell Peters, … he’s the most famous comedian that no one ever heard of.” I have a feeling that all that will change very soon! ( My words, not Billy’s!)
In summary, … anytime you have an opportunity to see Russell perform, make sure you go, because it’s really a treat! So check out the little video interview I did with Russell. There will be a longer version coming up soon, but I’m getting ready to go and see him perform in Montreal next week at the Just for Laughs Festival where he will be hosting his own show, with his own hand-picked comedians like Dom Irrera, and Jeremy Hotz, and it was all I could do to get this short version ready for the public before I left.
I’ve ALWAYS been a fan of Liv Tyler. She’s elegant, great to look at, really talented, and even more impressive, exceptionally sweet and down to earth. If you want to fall in love with her immediately, watch her in Bernardo Bertolucci’s “Stealing Beauty,” which was her first lead role, back in 1996. Her character, an American teenager named Lucy Harmon loses her Mom to suicide, and she goes to Italy to connect with people who knew her Mom, and also to lose her virginity.
The film poster for "The Ledge" starring Liv Tyler, Patrick Wilson, Charlie Hunnam, and Terrence Howard, written and directed by Matthew Chapman!
The last time I was in her company was when she was a teenager. I thought she was 16, but she says she could actually have been 13! Don’t get nervous, it was at a party in honor of Peter Max, the world-famous artist, who is a very dear friend of mine for many years. Peter actually once “psychedelicized” ( if there even IS such a word! LOL) the outside of an entire airplane with his artwork, was the foremost psychedelic artist of the 60’s, and has had his work exhibited at the White House.
Jeffrey Gurian, at a party for Peter Max, with a young, and lovely Liv Tyler who claims she might have only been 13 at the time! Jeffrey thinks she was 16. Either way she was already a knockout! (LOL)
I have an original Peter Max that he drew for me on a dinner napkin many years ago when he attended a party for a film I wrote, with Michael Ian Black of “Ed” fame, and Ben Garant from MTV’s The State, and Reno 911. It was the first interactive film ever made, by Sony, where the audience pressed buttons that were installed at their seats to change the course of the movie. It was called “I’m Your Man”, and was shown at the Sony Theatre on 19th Street and Broadway in Manhattan.
Jeffrey Gurian with Michael Ian Black at a black tie affair, where Black was wearing a red tie!!! (LOL)
So at the party where I first met Liv, I remember being there with Jon Lovitz, who was probably still on SNL in those years, and someone brought me over to meet Liv.
As you can see in the photo above, I was in my Elton John stage at the time, complete with flowered glasses! I even had my 80’s moustache, which I now keep in my wallet just in case I ever need it! (LOL)
It wasn’t until the writing of this post that I realized that I also had a photo of Peter Max and I from that same night, which you can see below. Same outfit, same flowered glasses, and same moustache!
Jeffrey Gurian with the world-famous artist Peter Max at the party where he first met Liv Tyler!
Some time after, Peter attended a party in my honor for the “I’m Your Man” film I mentioned above. The party was also attended by celebs like Robin Leach, energy/exercise guru High Voltage, legendary music producer Nile Rogers, and baseball legend Keith Hernandez.
I can’t believe I found that photo of me with Peter as well. I had progressed to red glasses from the flowered glasses but I still insisted on having that moustache.
In this photo it looks like I was in good company since both Peter and Nile brought their moustaches out for the evening as well! (LOL)
(L-R) Peter Max, Jeffrey Gurian, and Nile Rogers at the party for Jeffrey's film "I'm Your Man" at Country Club, many years ago! All sporting very hip moustaches for the time!
So anyway, when I got invited to interview Liv for her new film “The Ledge” written and directed by Matthew Chapman, and co-starring award-winning actor Patrick Wilson, who will be starring in a new TV show on CBS, a drama called ” A Gifted Man”, Charlie ( Sons of Anarchy) Hunnam who reminds me somewhat of Brad Pitt, and Terrence (Hustle and Flow) Howard, I jumped at the chance.
Jeffrey Gurian with the amazingly talented Liv Tyler, ( in her 6 inch heels) at The Crosby Hotel for her new film "The Ledge"!
The movie, which created a lot of buzz at Sundance this year, is a thriller/love triangle, and starts out with Charlie Hunnam whose character is named Gavin, riding to work on the bus when he spots a beautiful young girl (Tyler) and they exchange smiles. Imagine his surprise when he shows up at work as the manager of a hotel, and she comes in to apply for a job. Her character’s name is Shana, which is very fitting, as I told Liv during the interview because Shana means “Beautiful” in Yiddish. Of course Gavin hires her immediately, but gives her a job as a chambermaid.
They even live in the same building. Lots of coincidences here. As a writer myself, I might have questioned that as I wrote it, but it just shows you that when you have a good script, the audience goes with the story and doesn’t get hung up on little things like that. Liv (Shana) is married to Patrick’s character Joe, who we soon find out is a Bible-thumping evangelical nut.
He and Shana knock on Gavin’s door so he can meet his wife’s new boss, and after meeting Gavin and his gay roommate Chris and inviting them both in for dinner, he begins berating them both for being gay. Shana is hiding a secret past and is in a loveless marriage out of gratitude for having been saved. As a matter of fact, all three of these main characters have had some serious personal trauma that they’re dealing with.
Gavin lost his little girl in a car accident, and thinks he is an atheist. I say it that way for a reason! It’s inevitable that he and Shana are drawn to each other. It’s done in such a subtle way that there are really no explicit sex scenes. It just shows that you don’t need that kind of stuff to have a great film. However, if I was Charlie Hunnam, I would have been disappointed! (LOL)
When Gavin winds up on a ledge high above the city and says he must jump off at noon in order to save Shana’s life, Terrence Howard, as “Hollis”, is the cop who tries to talk him down. He is also dealing with the trauma of finding out accidentally that very same day, that his kids were not his kids.
I got to interview not only Liv, but also Patrick and Matthew Chapman. I had to tell Patrick how relieved I was to see what a nice, normal looking guy he was because he played such a scary looking guy in the film. He really captured the intensity of his character’s insanity, and when I asked him if he carried that character with him when he left the set, he told me that having his wife and kids on set with him, helped him remain sane, and leave the “Joe” character behind.
Jeffrey Gurian with a very handsome and sane looking Patrick Wilson at The Crosby Hotel for The Ledge press event!
And Liv was so excited about seeing her old photo with me that we took a new one holding the old one, and she made me promise to send it to her which I’m doing right after I post this! (LOL)
She insists she was only 13 which is a scary thought when you see how beautiful and mature she looks! ( I know I remember being told she was 16, but she should know better! She probably remembers the outfit! LOL) What’s amazing is that she remembers that night at all. It’s funny what sticks out in people’s minds.
An excited Liv Tyler pointing to her old self in a photo with Jeffrey Gurian taken when she was just a teen!
Check out the clip of Liv, Patrick and Matthew right here!
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